12/07/17

Those words
Killed me while I'm awake
Those eyes
Set me apart
Like a whale with a different frequency
Like a colour that no one can see
That kind of loneliness that pull me apart
That kind of aloneness that tears me apart

I have eveything but at the same time I have nothing
I want to run but my feet are chained
By said words that scar my heart
By disappointment of myself and them

I wear my smiles until there is none left
I dried my tears until the only option left

Is blood.

-A 

End of the year.

Hello loves,

To be honest this may be the only thing that I have always come back to for the past 7 years. Yes, this blog. well, for instance, I'm not that famous but I write what I want. always. And just a quick update, I'm finishing my internship and my degree. Yes, it has been a while. Just so you know that guy that I write poems for a few months back? Yeah,  I left him. He was the most toxic person that have ever had touched my life. Even as he was the angel in my life. He was worse when he became a devil. So yeah, it wasnt easy but I got through it. as always.


-A

Today Is Another Day Of Yours.

 You,
Someone I  know,
Today is just another day for lots of people,
But I know its not to me,
It reminded of someone I love,
Love way to deeply,
But who am I to  say this  is love,
Not me,
I've never love or been loved by someone,
Like this,
How time has changed us,
These times has  change but I know you're all I wait for,
This is just another day of those feelings coming back,
Those nostalgic days that I will feel How I was with you in my life,
And how I am not,
All the other days are good,
Most probably most will be the best days of my life,
But knowing you have taught me too much,
More than I can bare,
And that is life,

We get what we need and not what we want.


-A

Normal

You make me want to dive,

Dive in your world that you're so much afraid of showing,

Where who you are is so real,

Maybe I'm just over my head,

But you won't let me have a taste, 

You shut me out like a hurricane, 

When I thought I had lose,

You rain my garden awake,

And that is all you,

All the time that I see you.

-A

Grandparents.

What are grandparents? The parents of your parents? The biological parents of mom and dad? Is that it? well, I want to talk about Puan. my grandma. She isn't just any grandma. She's the grandma you want your husband to meet. The grandma you want your children to meet. maybe taking this to a blog seems a bit extreme to some or most of you but I do love that woman. My whole heart loves her. genuinely feel like I still need her. So many things I want to do with her. Maybe when I was smaller I don't know what to do with her but when you're all grown up you will wish for one more hour, one more day, one more conversation and one more advice. Because when they die, you know it's forever or it will be a long time before  you join them. Maybe some or most of you do not prefer to spend time with your grandparents, but it would be the time you'll appreciate the little things in life. Maybe you don't share the same hobbies, the same needs and wants but these are going to be the time you will keep and remember forever. because maybe right now it's all about your life and your boyfriend, your friends and your career but before you know it, you will lose them and when you do, your heart and mind would notice how much they have and always been the source of your strength and will. How they have touched your life so gently but leave the biggest mark. The deepest cut. The most prominent scar. Some say that when someone is not in your current lifestyle and present, they aren't as important than the ones who are, they don't know the meaning of unconditional love. A kind of love that do not need to be present in the physical form. unconditional love exist in all of us. We will learn it when you lose someone you didn't know you've love unconditionally. And most of the time it is your grandparents. Because you know they love you no matter what. Because even when they can't do anything to stop you, they still would love you. And that is something a lot of people lose today. She and my tok mat and both of my embahs, I love them because they have made such great parents and they are great grandparents. And I know that with god's will I am on the right track. And I hope I make all of them proud and to always watch over me.


And for that, I am grateful and I am blessed. Alhamdulillah

-A

How Do You Know It's Real?

How do you know if it's real,
Or it is just apart of your fantasy?
Or it is just your mind playing with you,
Or it is something that god sent  for you?

You know it when you realize you have the same feeling that you had 6 months ago,
You know it when you realized that their arms that you yearn every time something happens,
You know it by the longing to hear their voice after 1 month not talking to each other,
You know it by the honesty in all you say to them and for them.

That's when you know,
That all your life where there was so much questions,
That the answer was right there in front of you,
And that answer will always be the one that breaks you.

-A

How do you be good when all you want is to be bad. 

-A

As Always.

It is lust.

It mean nothing.

He is a cheater.

He is a liar.

And I'm still stupid.

I agreed.

-A

3 Little Things.

As much as we want to get what we want, we cannot find it, if we are always looking.

-A

Because there is no way of life, to only look at the cover of a book than to actually read it.

-A

The way to see the light, you have to find a way to see through the darkness.

-A

Something About Him

Love is painted through so many things. Honesty, patience, care and friendship. The one thing I have and I want. All I want is an honest friendship. A friendship that shares, care and appreciate. There is nothing more than being a lover is as beautiful as being a friend. Maybe I'll find someone like you. Someone I can always call as friends firsts. And always be my friend first. 

 -A

Something I Wrote Yesterday.

Well I know that I'm not one of the famous bloggers or whatever but I still do write. More than I thought I would. Not here but in real life. I guess because I'm more of a writing kind of person but I know that if I try hard enough I know that one day I'll be noticed. But before that lets just enjoy my words. :)

The feeling of loneliness that consume every living breathing cell of me that can’t find a way to out of this misery.

 The feeling of nothingness that consume the way of living my life kills.

 Why do some of us so fortune to find the secret life of happiness. 

Why does some of us are left with nothing. 

Sometimes I wondered of my fate was death. 

Not a person but the end of life.

 I lie awake at night thinking of am I fit to see my maker.

 My origin. 

The one who made me. 

Put me to earth and decided that my fate was with death.

 All the happiness that came with life I did not get. 

I get the material things that the world offers but not the ones can’t be bought by money.

 How will I meet my maker feeling so confused. 

How can I have an angry feelings towards him?

 No matter what, I cannot be angry with him. 

Because he is my one true home.

 The place I shall one day return to. 

The definite place I shall go. 

To whether burn or go to the eternal life in bliss. 

So, where is my prince charming?

 The one that dressed in white or the horrid black?

-A

Vanished

As he looked away,
For the last time that she would stay,
All for him was it was all resolved,
All for  her it would  all ended,

Could it be that they  couldnt see,
They were made for each other,
How  could they see it,
For both were blind,

The story never seem to see the light,
Till there is no more left to fight,
For some  the story ends  with light,
But for some  it always ends with fight,


But, he kissed  me with his eyes closed,
Fingers in my hair,
Mouth wide open,
Oh, his love, his love, his love.


-A

Influence.

SHIT. ITS THE SAME THING ALL OVER AGAIN.

Somewhere in the long run

There is someone I know,

That I know using me,

Of how he knows who I am,

Who I want to be,

How I am smart,

Intellegent,

Not all beautiful,

Witty,

But he thinks he has all the ropes,

To tie me down,

To control me,

How I know,

He's a devil,

With a face of an angel,

How he knows what to say,

What to do,

To  keep me on the edge,

Maybe what I'm doing is evil,

As evil as he is,

And maybe I'm digging my own grave,

And one day I may fall at my own trap,

But at least I want to try,

To be who  he needs to be,

Who he wants me to be,

I know,

One day,

I look for my phone,

Hoping that he calls,

Hoping that he text,

And wishing that one day,

He'll say

'I love you'

Just maybe,

Somewhere  in the long run,

And  maybe,

Never.

-A

You  can always hope and wish for the happy ending.

 But I know I won't find it in his world.

Maybe you'll see this one day mirul.

But I doubt it would go this far. 

And if it didn't but you see this. 

Yeah, I was that far in.

Searching For The Only One

In the middle of doing work,

In the middle of what I should be focusing on,

Something important happening tomorrow,

I want to release this,

This feeling

That's so dangerous,

So fragile,

So small,

Or way to big,

For me,

How can I know?

How could I find,

A way to know,

That this feeling is real,

That what's happening is valued,

High enough for him,

How could I know,

That he's sincere,

To know who I am,

To be with me through it all,

And how much of myself do I give to him,

How much do I keep?

How much affection should I share,

Because that's all I want to do,

To share my love,

My feelings,

My soul,

The beat of my heart,

To be shared,

To be divided,

Into half's,

To give it away,

For free,

Without any charge,

Without any regrets,

Will he be the one to change,

The meaning to all those songs,

To all those memories,

To be the firsts,

And maybe be the lasts,

Or to be the heartbreaker,

Or the heartbroken,

To hold the one I saved for last,

To be my light,

To brighten those dark times,

To show me how to be,

Who I want,

Who I choose to be,

To love as much as we hate,

To show me something I've been waiting for.
To make me believe,
I've found the only one.

-A


You cant copy what I write. These are always will be my words.

SEE IT

If There Was...

If there was someone I love,

I'll love him unconditionally,

I'll love him more than I love myself,

Because that is how I was taught to love,

How I want to love,

How  I wanted to be loved,

I'll give him all the acceptance I have,

All the patience I have,

All  the innocence I have,

All the responsibility I have,

All the strength I have,

But before he can have all of who I am,

He must know, accept and do the same,

Because how can I love or even learn to love someone,

Who cant do the same,

Because for me love wont work unless,

We learn to love unconditionally,

Love to accept their flaws,

Work on the relationship,

Work on the person,

Who we  say we love,

If we love someone,

We don't give up on them,

Or  deceive them,

Or abandon them,

Because I learn that you should never do,

Something that you don't want to happen to yourself,

But if I have someone to love,

I'll do all this,

And I'll never look back.

Wishing upon a star so bright, the sun is jealous.

-A

Waiting to be found.

Hello  yellow, 

As you guys do not  know,

I currently just started  my degree,

In business administration,

Where, you might ask?

Is a secret.

As the years has passed,

I've changed,

Yet again,

But of course, 

I found a place I can release,

All my bottled up emotions,

As feelings are not rare,

But emotions are raw,

I know I dont have much fans,

Probably none, 

But at least if youre looking,

You will always find me,

Here,

As always,

Waiting to be found.

-A

Currently for me, love does not  exist.

Here We Go Again.

Hello dear one,
We  met again,
From the last time saw you,
I missed  you so dearly,
Oh, little one,
But how  you are not something I could touch,
Nor feel,
But you are my release,
For  all my emotions,
So it could be bottled up,
And flow,
Into the ocean that we called,
The internet.



-A